Curious about this plastic monstrosity they call Valentine’s Day, I had my crack research team look into it earlier on today. It turns out it has the least exciting origin story ever. There were a bunch of people who were called Valentine and they were beheaded. Somehow, in the 15th century, the name Valentine became associated with love and romance and confectionery and cards. The end. That’s it.

The far more awesome Lupercalia also falls on February 14th (actually February 13th to 15th, but let’s not be pedantic). Lupercalia literally translates to “Wolf Festival” and celebrates Lupa, a she-wolf. Or Lupercus,  the god of shepherds? Who knows- in truth I barely skimmed the Wikipedia article. Point is, Valentine’s Day is dumb, Wolves are better.

From this day forward, February 14th shall be known as Wolfentine’s Day, or Wolf Day for short. Cards in the shape of wolves or featuring wolves may be given to loved ones, but heartfelt messages are a very big faux pas. Instead, only unintelligible howling may adorn the insides of cards. Gifts of raw meat are acceptable.

Happy wolf day